i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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