Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
