I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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