I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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