I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i think i have two assholes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
FUCK WHALES
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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