I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
