Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
