i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
