We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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