You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
