Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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