Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
