Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
