Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
