she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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