I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm passing your future prison.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
