I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
