I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
