The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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