Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
