i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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