I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
