dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
