My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
