this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
