I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
