I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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