yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
