If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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