woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
