the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
