I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
