i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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