it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
