Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
