You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
