If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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