Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
