her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
