Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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