I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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