I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
