i will never coherently bang her
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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