How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
