I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
