My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
