i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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