is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
