I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
