im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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