five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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