At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
