What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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